I've been spending a lot of time alone, observing and thinking. Not being apart of anything here I've taken to accepting my place... kind of. Everyday I watch as the real turkish nannies go about their business, how they cook and clean and take after the kids.. constantly, many times with out so much as a thank you and a please. They take their orders, they do their job, and they still seem to enjoy being around the family, i mean they've been doing it for years. 

ok observational tangent:

 One thing i really don't understand is how the parents can laugh when their kids are acting out screaming and crying and calling people names. its not funny, I dont get it at all! I don't know if its a cultural thing or what, it definitely is something i'm not used to and it makes my job very difficult when i have no support letting the kids know that its not ok to act like that. 

and back to my initial point: 

I didn't actually have one, or maybe  i just lost it because of the whining and crying that just went on. I think its part of the Turkish language to whine because everyone seems to do it when the speak...

I feel trapped here sometimes, I'm stuck observing a family that i'm not a part of, and i can't leave and do my own thing because at any moment i can be called to duty, its unacceptable for me to be reading when there are two sets of parents in a room with children because at any time they can stop parenting and then its up to me. i dont get that, let your kids be by themselves, let them be bored and find things to do for themselves. I love whitney to death but i think she's crazy for devoting her life to this. I have the utmost respect for her, especially now that i've tried what she does and definitely don't ever see myself feeling the same way about other peoples kids and this job. She's got some sort of inner strength and beauty and just thinking about hers can keep me going here. and yet, 

time has never moved so slowly. I feel like I've been waiting for this month to end for an entire month which in itself might be true, two weeks just refuse to pass and there are moments when i absolutely dread the next 3 months. actually, there are lots of moments. but enough of that otherwise i'm going to get myself into that place. So instead I choose to concentrate on the strengths of others, the beauty, the love, the spirit of people i know because they will always be with me and knowing them has given me strength. the strength to see out today, and the strength to see out the 99 days i have left in turkey. 

Finding Peace

Today was the first day since I've been in Turkey that was peaceful. Actually its the first time in a long time that I'm at peace and once again looking forward to the future. I know its four months away, but the thought i've returning to America and trying to start over and settle down doing something I'm not sure I really want to do and try and make it last, tore me between looking forward to it and dreading it. And with today's conversation with a certain someone, I'm really excited for what's coming next. I know I'm always making plans and people always tell me to slow down and live in the moment, i get that but for me its very difficult to appreciate the moment unless i know I have some reason to look forward to seeing each moment through. After our conversation I had some nanny duty to take care of and as i was sitting in Lal's piano school, this tremendous wave of calm just washed over me. Suddenly four months doesn't seem like an unbearably long time. I have goals again, some of which I can accomplish while I'm here. Things are getting better with the family, I had a talk with Zeynep about Lal's attitude and Zeynep talked with Lal and so far it's improved things a little. It was nice to know I had support from Zeynep because up until that point it felt like I was on my own. This may be premature, but I feel like things from this point on will start to get better. Of course there will be the moments, and there should be, but I'm starting to feel like things are turning around. 

i feel like my life is going no where

i feel like i'm failing 

in everything i do, no matter how many times i try and start over i can't get through anything anymore and i don't know why. and everytime i start over its that much harder to breathe it's like i'm drowning in the past and suffocating in the present because i have no road map for the future, any plans i may ever have had have all failed because i could never finish them and so even if it kills me i have to stay where i am. i have no options. if i go home i fail. and at least if i feel like i'm failing every day here eventually i'll have failed my way through four months and leaving will be one small success that may help everything turn around. 

my existence updated

Today will make 11 days that i've been in Turkey, today is June 8th. Its funny how depending upon how you look at that and the way you say it, makes it seem either a long time or a short time, one that's dragged on or one that's gone fairly quickly. If you think of all the hours i spend running after and trying to calm down bratty kids 11 days feels like a lifetime. if you think of all the nights that i go to sleep alone and the mornings i wake up along its an eternity. But when you look at it on the calendar, i came in may and its now june (and almost the middle) than it seems like its going by quickly. Perspective and Attitude. that's what makes the difference. 

And amazingly enough I was reminded of that this morning by little miss Lal, who  never wants to wake up in the morning but fights just as furiously to stay up at night. Lal was crying and trying to escape the room so she could go talk to her mother, but i was able to sit her down and have a "big girl conversation" so we breathed and talked. and i told her she had to go to school whether she liked it or not and if you have to do something wouldn't you rather be positive about it and make the most of what you have to do? 

so the question is, wouldn't i rather be positive about the opportunity i have in turkey, to help the family out and to teach the kids, than wishing i was hope every day? yes i would. Not easy, but something to work on. 

i now have a big sunburn all down my front, my shoulders, my chest, my stomach and my legs(but only to my knees...how that happened i dont know) I keep forgetting i'm white and i burn easily. ouch. 

so far i've changed 3 dirty diapers. and yes 3 times out of 11 days when he goes through about 3 a day isn't a big number, but when he only lets you wake him up and get him dressed about twice in those 11 days, 3 is a pretty good number. plus there dirty diapers and if i dont have to, trust me i'd rather not. 

so that's my updated existence a diaper count and a changing perspective. 

life in prospective

Its amazing how every now and then little things happen that make you truly appreciate your situation.... and make you feel like an ass for complaining. 

Today was a difficult day in the nanny world, the early morning seemed to come even earlier and isolated at the house i couldn't help but feeling lonely and upset. Can, for the most part, was good and happy today and as always Lal was the 7 year old brat she only knows how to be. It frustrates me how spoiled these children are compared to the children i was with in Thailand. They have nothing and yet they have their smiles, these kids here have everything and only seem to be able to manage tears and shouts. A little observation on what really matters in life eh? 

So now it is night time and it was a long day/night. The family's extended family is over at the house and as always more people means more commotion which coincidentally translates in to more playing more playing leads to more tired more cranky more yelling. Oddly enough through it all the little sharings of solidarity between Sasha and me help to keep me from beating these kids senseless and actually giving them something to cry about. Sasha speaks turkish, russian, and german and i sadly speak only english fluently so the conversations are never very lengthy although we seem to be managing together quite well. Sasha's my home girl in the house. 

Tonight carol, a nanny from the phillipines, is here watching over Zeyneps' sisters family. After everyone was put to sleep at 9;45 she finally got the chance to sit down and eat and we talked. I found out she's been here for 9 years and she wants to go to the U.S or Europe to work but because of the visa requirements and restrictions she can't. She was very helpful in acknowledging how difficult the children were and told me it would get easier. she also told me i was lucky being here only  4 months and able to return home. I may be having a difficult time now and I most definitely miss the people at home but I don't have a 10 year old daughter that I was forced to leave with my mother so I would go to another country and raise someone else's child while my own grows up with out a mother. As is the case with Carol. 

So after this conversation I will begin to look at this au pair experience as extremely lucky when put into prospective. 

So though the kids may be difficult spoiled brats. 

Its only 4 months.

and i get to go home.

life in the now

Ok so a year ago when i graduated from uni. i was not expecting for things to turn out as they did. no way. but that is how life goes. You follow unseen dreams and fight through nightmares to survive. The dreams you dream may or may not come true but that doesnt stop us from dreaming now does it? 

Right now I'm in Turkey what the heck am I doing in Turkey? I've asked myself that every day since I've been here, which to be fair has only been 3 days. But for the past 3 days I've begun to be transformed into a nanny. Now let me explain something real quick. I came to Turkey to be an Au Pair and to teach english. Little did I know that when you become an Au Pair you lose your individuality. Your no longer a person, but an extension of the children. Wherever they run off too you follow. When addressed, its in the voice that one uses to speak to children, as if you don't understand normal conversation or are capable of discussing anything else but the child. And i'm sorry but contrary to popular belief just because i'm paid to look after your kid does not mean i am interested in how much they poop and how badly it smells. 

Its an adjustment period these first few days. I'm glad i can say that at least I made it to June. its a new month which is good its a new beginning and i can only hope that because its june i will no longer be forced to play with barbies, after all we did that in may. I see no reason to repeat that ever again. But really i have no say in what games we play apparently i'm just another toy.